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10月21日 ...and all the skies were paper scrolls...Hmm, okay, so where to start...
I guess blogging isn't really my thing.... or at least up til this point it wasn't, with my relatively uneventful life passing by. And no one wants me clogging up the internet with "omg omg omg my day was like so awesome and I did this great stuff and I drank latte with cream", right? :)
But things have taken a rather lovely turn lately... or so I hope.
*Inserts brief account of history here*
After the break up with my ex (Adrian) last year, and I realised everything that had gone on behind my back, I thought there must've been something severely wrong with me. Y'know that feeling you get where you just sit and think "why me?" and after a while you DO start to blame yourself and you think there IS a reason they go off and hurt you? Well that feeling had kind of stuck with me, as I guess it would/does with most people, but now it seems I'm finally letting that wall fall down
*jumps back to present*
So a month or two ago (I'm horrible with exact dates, forgive me) I met a guy on the net, and we got chatting, and he seemed really open and friendly. His name's Josh, and we met for the first time about 3 weeks ago, and have have kept in close contact since then. It's hard for me to try and describe the 'relationship' we have at the moment, because it seems to be all cut and torn by what I want, what I/he need(s) and what we know should be done. "Sensible Me" knows that we're still getting to know each other, and that he could still easily find someone else who he likes more than me, and that rushing into things is guaranteed to only end in pain and tears. Josh has stuff on his plate that he says he needs to work out, and Sensible Me says "if it's important to Josh, then it needs to be important to me too".
But "Impulsive Me" doesn't like it. That side just lies in bed at night and wishes I could call him 'mine', and thinks about him every 5 minutes and can't stop smiling every time it happens. It makes me want to disregard every logical thought I have, and just let myself get carried away with the emotion - which would be bad, I know.
I told Josh that I would be there for him in any capacity he needs me (which is true), even if it was just as a friend (which I'm starting to think is a lie). If he told me now that he only wanted to be friends, I don't know how I would react to that. Josh means so much to me at this point that just 'letting go' would be impossibly hard. I couldn't do it. Or at least not with the right intentions.
So here I am, waiting quietly and (im)patiently, hoping that things DO go to the next level. I don't think there's much else left that could make me as happy as that :)
So until next time, this is my first 'Au Revoir'
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