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10月24日 Speaking of Clarity...Haha, I should probably add a disclaimer here about how
the following entry is written under a rather severe state of
emotionality (*invents new word*), so just for the record: You have been warned! Hrm, well where to start... a bit of a tough one, since it's the sort of story that begins the moment your parents realise they're about to have a baby. And from that instant onward - in their minds - they create all these wonderful dreams and imaginings of you and your life. Every parents does it, I guess, and every child is equally scared of what will happen if they break even a fragment of that dream. And although I can't quote statistics, or site any university degree to back me up, it seems fair enough to assume that there's an added pressure when you're gay. I won't get into the in's and out's of "when do you know" and "how can you tell", suffice it to say that I knew I was different from a very young age, and it scared me more than anyone will ever know. I lost all trace of self-esteem, and for the best part of my primary school (and early highschool) life, I thought about how easy it would be to simply cut my wrists over a running bath, and there'd be hardly any mess for anyone to clean up. I did many things to try and cover up that side of my life; to build a wall in front of it that nobody would ever get through. I told vicious lies and cruel stories, and built on them for years to come. I became an emotional eater and watched my weight balloon to extremes that only damaged my self-perception more. But they are things you learn about and overcome with maturity, and eventually outgrow. The one thing that has stuck with me the most (and is still with me to this day), is the urge to do things to make other people happy with me. Yes, I know it sounds like a good trait to have, but as with everything, there are lines you cross, and I pushed them all. The thing that terrified me more than anything else in this world was cracking the perfect picture my parents had painted in their heads. I thought that as long as I could draw myself into that image with the same brushstrokes, then they would be too happy to really look at me and see the tear-stained cheeks of their gay son. I know I broke rules, and of course I defied them at times, but those moments were short-lived and done with a breaking heart. I always had an eye out, looking to see what was 'normal' and what was expected of your 'typical teenage boy', and I tried to push myself so hard into that mould. There's no need for specifics, really, it seems. It doesn't matter what subjects I did at school, or why I was afraid to make friends, or even why I ended up at university in a course I couldn't handle. It's enough to know that every one of those decisions was made on a foundation of fear, and I made my mind up according to what would "keep the people happy". I don't for one minute want you to think I'm blaming anyone else but myself - I take full responsibility for the choices I made, and they were choices, but none the less, the fact remains: I was scared, and I tried to hide myself and become another person to make up for it. I don't remember how it came up, but I was talking with Josh about it tonight, and thank god for him, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart (which, at this very emotional moment, is pining for him rather badly): he knows how to just say it like it is, and it was the first time anybody has ever truly told me to 'do what makes me happy'. It's such a simple, simple thing to say, and I told him how much it means to me, but I don't think he quite realised the intensity of it, especially coming from him. It's such a bittersweet moment in a way, to have this amazing guy (who you can see a possible future with) telling you exactly what you need to hear, and yet to also feel so stupid, naive and vulnerabe in front of him. I'm trying to figure out if I'm crying tears of Joy because of josh (for sooo many reasons, I wish I had the elegant words to tell him how much he means without sounding possessive or dominating or scary), or tears of Heavy-Heartedness because of how afraid I am that I'll scare him off, and he'll find someone who he likes better than me. *Sigh* See, look at me. I swear to god, I'm doing my damn best to not get carried away with the emotions, but reading this you'd be forgiven for thinking I already have. I don't think Josh realises how level-headed he can be, and that's something that I really really admire in him, and makes me even more attracted to him (if that's at all possible, heh heh). I'm scared of finally realising how I need to reinvent a bit of myself, and not having someone to help carry me through. I think that's about all I can fit in here, for the moment, without being overcome by another wave of tears. I hope everything has made sense, and sorry if it seems melodramatic. For a lot of people I know it's small, but for me it's one of the biggest things in my life, and I've finally had to suck it in and be 'true to myself' about it. Sleep tight, everyone. I love all you special people (most of you know who you are, but some of you might not, so just assume you ARE one of them and you're probably right), and you'll all have places in my head and in my heart forever. Over and out, Peter xxx 引用通告此日志的引用通告 URL 是： http://peterthomas.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!70C4013B8F07769D!113.trak 引用此项的网络日志
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