"...They come not single spies, but in batallions!"

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11月6日

"...They come not single spies, but in batallions!"

Thank God for Shakespeare and that quote, lol. I love that scene from Hamlet, it's so horribly blunt and honest. Well the bits you can actually understand of it, heh heh.

Anyway, this mini-update is really to just get a couple of ideas out of my head. I went out last night, and on the way home this morning, the words just started coming to me about everything that had happened (and the memories that go with them), and until I get them out, they won't go away. So here goes; two short free-verse poems:

I don't quite remember his words exactly,
But I thought I heard the sound of 'goodbye' in his voice.
And I wore that sound like a heavy black cloak, until
I could at last wear it no longer.
I placed the cloak on my mantlepiece, sat next to it,
... and wept.

And number two:

They sit upon the sunburnt grass, beneath a frail canopy
of everything their minds remember.
With shaking hands and bloodshot eyes they smile at me; without
rhyme or reason they cup their hands on tiny moments of
perfection, and whisper quiet stories so deep and meanigful a
sober mind could never understand them.
And somewhere in the menacing silence it begins, every pill intented to
create a better version of oneself.

There are some places and times in my life I've been sharply reminded of - and I realise my boundaries a lot clearer now. It's a good thing, though, I think. In a conversation I was having today, I said "I'd put a bullet through my head before I ever suffered that kind of guilt and hopelessness again." And I know it sounds a bit macabre, and - actually - makes me sound like I'm manically depressed and unhappy, but it's quite the contrary. Because I also realised today there are some things (people) that I will fight tooth and nail for, even when it hurts. My heart wants to say a lot of things (a LOT of things) that my brain tells me are irrational: but I feel them anyway, and I feel them passionately. I think that sometimes gets the better of me, and I get a bit carried away, but by god I'm happy I DO feel them. It gives me something tangible to strive for, and I can judge the sincerity and genuine quality of what I feel. And this, I believe, is genuine.

Much love, as always,
Peter
xxx

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