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January 29 Girls Day InWell, yesterday me and Amilia were supposed to meet up in the city for coffee and a movie, but that didn't end up happening, so I was just getting prepared to settle down for a few hours before I had to work on some post-recording material, when I got a phone call from Cat, Steph and Alaine to basically say I *had* to go out with them or else they would hurt me severely. So I did.
They got me in for free at the movies (biiiig plus) so we went to see 'Keeping Mum' which is one of the most bizarrely cast films I've seen in a long time; but I absolutely adored it. Everything about it was uncomfortably dark and funny.
Afterwards we all went back to Cat's place and somehow they talked me into letting them colour my hair, and then ended up smearing all sorts of god-knows-what colourful stuff on my face. Fortunately Steph lent me an old shirt and boardies so the mess didn't bother me, and we all had an absolute blast. Cat heads off to the States for a month on Thursday (yet another friend who's leaving the bloody country), so I'm going to miss her sorely :(
But we promised that when she gets back, we're going to take our music 'on tour', which would be so much fun. But it means I have to get serious about actually arranging parts for strings, guitars, voices, pianos and whatnot.
Who-knows if it will even happen, haha, but it would be so fab if it did.
I upped a couple of piccies from yesterday, so go take a squiz.
Take care everyone, love you all,
Peter
xxx January 15 The Crap Ball...Aah, it's been a few weeks since I've written in here, not because life has been uneventful... just because I'm lazy. :)
Well, last night was the first official "Crap Ball", hosted by Aoife and I, and even though our schedule got tossed and we ad-libbed everything, it was still an absolutely fantastic night, and it was so good just to catch up with friends in an easy environment. "Forget your agenda" was our motto, and that's exactly what we did.
Sadly, some people couldn't make it (and if you're reading this, Jesse, you owe me the biggest explanation, lmao. I'm still waiting for the fairy-bread...), but we still had...umm.. lemme think... Aoife, Shells, Shanelle, Brett, Jordan, Tanya (and her friends) and I... so about 12 all up. Which wasn't bad. No, not bad at all :) In fact, we all had a great time. I think it justifies having a second one sooner or later :) I upped a few pics, so go and have a squizz.
In other news, I think I've decided to go looking for another job, or maybe a second job or something. I really love where I am now, and I don't want to leave, but with new regulations coming in soon, as well as both Faith (the Boss) and Beth (2 I.C) leaving in the coming months, we are expecting a major shake-up, and Andrew (the guy who 'connects' the child-care to the church) expects that they will be bringing in some very old-school traditionalist Christians to replace them. Which is fine, good for them, but all the girls agreed that should that happen, it'll become a rather awkward environment; and I'm not prepared to stop 'being me' just so I fit the mould they would like me to have. I hope it doesn't come to that, because I'd miss the kids sorely, but I know I have the other staff's support, and they said if I go, they're going too... which isn't 'good', I guess, but it makes me feel less like 'the bad guy'. We can all go and work at McDonalds on minimum wage together, hehe.
On a happier note, I'm finally thinking about getting some of my songs properly recorded, with voices and orchestral backings etc etc. It'll be a bit of work and a bit of money, but it's something I've wanted to do for ages, and it's kinda frustrating to hear it all in my head, but not actually "hear" it. And I'm getting cracking on my writing again, too (how many times have a I said that :P). We'll see how it goes this time, but I do want to finish it and start submitting it sooner or later (knowing me: later).
'Til next time, people, everyone take care. Love you all.
Peter
xxx December 23 Christmas! Again!Well, it seems like I've barely finished packing down the tinsel and baubles from last year, and already they're back up again. The year has - for the most part - absolutely flown by, and it's hard to see just where all the time went.
I'd love to be able to say I spent every minute of it wisely, but that would be a biiig lie, and no-one would believe me anyway :P Though, thankfully, I still achieved almost everything I had set out to do, so I can't complain.
I sent out my Christmas Email last night, but hotmail said there were a number of recipients (around 7 or 8) who it didn't send to for one reason for another. So if you're reading this and wondering why you didn't get it - you're most likely one of those 8 people. Just gimme a holler and I will send it to you, no hard feelings :) I still love you all heh.
What I have come to realise this year, is that I need to fight more for the things I want/need, and I have to take a risk once in a while. It sort of goes without saying that that's a scary thing for me to do: I'm worried about messing things up, or taking risks in the wrong places and being left to fall, or damaging things before they are broken. But, I guess, that's the whole point of taking a risk to begin with, and I'm sick of letting things slip by me without putting up a fight. So yes, it's decided, 2006 will be my year for stepping out. And, if I stumble, at least I know I will eventually get back up again :)
Merry Christmas all,
Peter
xxx December 18 All I want for Christmas......is a refedex.
It's official :-P
Jokes aside, I seriously do need to start learning the streets in the city, though. Driving over to Aoife's house last night, I got Chris and I lost for almost a good hour, I reckon. And in itself, I am fine with that: people get lost all the time, and they arrive late, but it's not the end of the world and you just fit yourself back in where you can. I'm over the actual 'getting lost'. It's more my attitude that annoyed me, because I had been so blase and careless about it beforehand, saying "It's fine, I know my way, it won't be a problem", but when push came to shove, I was so incapable.
I can sometimes get emotional when I've let someone down (or even if I think I've let them down) in some fashion, and this was one of those times, it seems: I spent the night apologising for what happened, and doing what I could to make amends (which, I think in the long run, made little difference). Just being told "It's okay", doesn't fix it for me, either. I've been in too many positions in the past where a silver tongue has let me swallow those words whole-heartedly, only to realise later that their 'kind grace' was completely two-faced. I need to see 'forgiveness' in action before I believe it, or to really sit and talk about it with someone.
Ick, look at this, talking about what a bad person I am because I got lost in a car, lol.
But at any rate, I'm okay with it now. It happened, and it was disappointing, but it's in the past and not worth dwelling on, and I hope everyone else feels the same way. Would you believe that apart from that, I still actually had a really good, fun, night? Cross my heart, hope to die, it's true!
Looking forward to the dawning of a new day, as always,
Peter
xxx December 17 Jenga!*yawn*
Hmm, this is so not a smart thing to do, but I'm writing this while I'm dead tired, about an hour before I'm being picked up to go out clubbing! Totally looking forward to it, of course (I get to see chris, yay lol), but I've decided I'm gonna need a million cups of coffee before he arrives. Still totally looking forward to it though :P
I'll also be meeting Aoife and Jesse, and perhaps possibly maybe Andreas, as well as some of Chris' other friends, and I think some of us are going back to Aoife's apartment in Highgate Hill to crash for the night, so we can all have a drink without worrying about the car. Ooh, which reminds me, I have to check the street directory for directions to her place. She moves about FAR too much, heh heh.
Some other stuff has happened really, but I'm too tired to put it all in chronological order... My cousin Anna came back from Thailand a few days ago, and brought us all back great gifts, and she was looking fantastic (as always, what can I say) and I missed her loads. One of the gifts was this really great Jenga set made of carved wood. I've been playing it with everyone (and by that, I really only mean, mum, dad and my bro Robert, but be warned, next time anyone DOES come over, you WILL play jenga with me, and you WILL like it).
I also went over to Chris' place for dinner on Friday, which was absolutely brilliant, I had a blast, I got to meet his parents, his sisters, and his best-buddy Karly (I hope I spelled that right) who is also wonderful. We had chinese for dinner, and I ended up having to defend my yummy vegies after his mum made reference to my Bean Curd as Turd :P I did a really bad job of it too :(
Uuum, I'm sure other stuff has happened.... I will update this again when I'm less tired and I can think straight. I'm probably going to re-read over this after I publish it and laugh at what an incoherent piece of garbage this entry is, yay!
Take care everyone, Christmas isn't far now!
Peter
xxx December 11 Jail and Wine. And Christmas.I think (I hope) everyone already knows by now that when it comes to gift-shopping, I'm a bit last-minute with it all. So when Chris called me yesterday (Saturday) to see if I wanted to go Christmas shopping with him, I jumped at the chance, but I was pretty sure I wouldn't actually end up buying anything, and I was right, and I hate it, lol.
It's not like I don't want to buy the presents, I just keep thinking "if I buy something now, I'll see something tomorrow that I like even more". It's never actually happened, but it's still my excuse anyway hehe. And my mum's birthday is on Tuesday, and I have NO idea what I should get her; if she needs something, she gets it... and if she can't afford it, and dad can't afford it for her, there's no way I can afford it. I'm thinking of something 'for the house', but ideas are sort of running thin. I guess I will have to rush out after work tomorrow (as always) and get something pretty :-P
And last night was also the Ghost Tour of the Boggo Road Jail. I just went with Aoife, along with her mum and her mum's best friend (Jane), both of which are on holiday from England. We had the BEST time, too. No ghosts = no surprises, but it was still a bit uncomfortable walking through where they had the gallows, and hearing all these stories about people who had been killed there, and the crimes they'd commited to deserve it. And then having to wander through the cells in almost pitch-black, and walking the back track completely alone in the cold. Afterwards, we all headed out to Satchmo's at West End, and we were going to eat until we realised the kitchen had shut like 5 minutes earlier. So we just ordered a couple of bottles (four bottles, I think it was) of wine instead and chatted. Jane and "Mum" were absolutely hilarious, and they made me toast my glass for every sip I took, which resulted in lots of random, funny ideas, but since I was relying on public transport I had to leave at midnight.
Today though was pretty uneventful... I realised all too late that Chris was singing tonight, and I couldn't get there on time to see him, but like he said, when it airs on tv we'll watch it together and criticize the hell out of it lol (well, I'm sure he will) :D
Oh, I did get a call from Astian, though, which was a total surprise. Last time we spoke was when I was in hospital almost dead, lol. We'll catch up sometime in the new year... I guess...
And I wanna go to Groover's, too. Chris went last night, and reminded me of how much I like it, despite getting sore legs.... gah, I wanna go! *sigh* I'm rambling again.
Take care everyone, wish me luck on my christmas-shopping tomorrow (yeah, right), and talk soon.
Peter
xxx December 08 Movies, Jails and BaileyWell I went and saw Harry Potter 4 on Monday, and The Brothers Grimm last night: disappointment on both accounts. Oooer, well, not completely, heh heh. I went and saw H.P with a really nice guy I'd met on the net, and we both chuckled at parts of it... and some of the previews looked good at least :P
Brothers Grimm was just.... odd. It had so much potential, and they missed so many good opportunities. And the ginger-bread man (who was made out of mud in this case, incidentally) looked almost exactly like flubber at times. I actually found myself looking at my watch a couple of times, which is never good. It's loosely based on a similar premise to a book I'm writing at the moment, but there wasn't even anything worth plaigarising from it, lol.
In more interesting news, I'm going on a night-tour of Boggo Road Jail on Saturday, which I'm reeeally looking forward too. Katrina at work was telling me that it's fascinating, and sort of spooky when they take away your torches and you have to stay in the dark. I've wanted to do it for ages, and now Aoife's agreed to come with me, so yaaayness. And we're planning to do a graveyard tour early next year if all goes well.
Oooh, and I got my roster for my hours during the school holidays. The first week I'm doing 28 hours just with the a.d.d kids *dies*. That is going to be damn tough, but I'm sort of looking forward to it at the same time; it'll be a good challenge. Either that or I will kill them all and flee to some distant country which doesn't have an extrusion treaty with Australia. Except for Bailey... I will let Bailey live because he gives cool hugs... I'm rambling now aren't I :( ...
*sigh* It's far too early for me to actually be thinking of stuff to write. I'm not a morning person, apparently :P
Til next time, folks, everyone keep well and we shall talk soon :)
Peter
xxx December 01 The End of Malaki*sigh*
Well, last night (Wednesday 30th) was one of those bittersweet moments. Mal won't be coming to work again, but hopefully we'll keep in touch, and our little night out was the perfect way to celebrate. Katrina, Ben, Reece, Lyn, Faith, Beth, Lanu, Aoife, Rachel, and I took him out to the Lucky Star Tavern (which sounds - and looks - pretty dodgy, but is actually REALLY nice) and we ended up getting photos with all the waiters and waitresses, so it was a good laugh.
I'll probably see him again on saturday, when I go over to help Aoife move into her new place - he has this strange way of just turning up. Oh, and I uploaded a couple of photos from the night, too, which I'm really happy with.
Hmpmh, and now I'm gonna go get some sun... if these clouds decide to go away...
Take care all,
Peter
xxx November 29 A Matter of Personal ChoiceOoooomg
Okay, I'm having the most damn stupid crisis of conscience at the moment :P
Tomorrow (Wednesday 30th) is Malaki's last day at work, so the girls and I are planning to take him out for a surprise dinner. Which is fine... UNTIL you factor in the news that Futurama is on at 7:30, and I love that show soooo much.
Yeah, stupid, I know. And the choice isn't even really that hard. Malaki is one of the greatest guys I've ever worked with, and Futurama is just some cartoon show that I can buy on dvd for $12 from the italian kid down the road. Hmm, okay, I think I just talked some sense into myself with that. Dinner it is!
*changes topic*
Seemingly the great news of today is the birth of the Hewitt-Cartwright baby (as yet, nameless). So, needless to say, it was the topic of discussion at work between Katrina, Michaela and I. We were trying to figure out appropriate names for the celebrity child; names that will suit her inevitably bitchy, unfortunate life.
Michaela promptly put her hands on her hips, sighed dramatically, and spouted, "I think the perfect name for her would be 'Publicity'." Succinct and accurate. 'Fanny', 'Prissy' and 'Urine' (pronounced yoo-reen) also rated highly.
Oh, and I just realised... I still have to get around to doing my Christmas shopping. Damn... I'm in trouble, heh heh. I'm thinking I might buy myself a dream-interpretation book (yeah, I don't believe in getting other people to buy me stuff), since... well... yeah, I've been having a recurring dream that is SO damn vivid and clear I'm almost to the point of calling it a 'vision' (were I one to believe in prophetic fags of course, lol). And the last few days, unexplainable things have been happening that DIRECTLY reference the dream, which I have only told ONE person (Wesley) about, and even he doesn't know all the details as clearly as they've been shown to me. That's all I'm gonna say, because it IS a far-out claim to be making.... if you're interested, ask me about it, and I might tell you more :P
That's all for now, me thinks. Heads up all, talk soon!
Pete
xxx November 06 "...They come not single spies, but in batallions!"Thank God for Shakespeare and that quote, lol. I love
that scene from Hamlet, it's so horribly blunt and honest. Well the
bits you can actually understand of it, heh heh. Anyway, this mini-update is really to just get a couple of ideas out of my head. I went out last night, and on the way home this morning, the words just started coming to me about everything that had happened (and the memories that go with them), and until I get them out, they won't go away. So here goes; two short free-verse poems: I don't quite remember his words exactly, But I thought I heard the sound of 'goodbye' in his voice. And I wore that sound like a heavy black cloak, until I could at last wear it no longer. I placed the cloak on my mantlepiece, sat next to it, ... and wept. And number two: They sit upon the sunburnt grass, beneath a frail canopy of everything their minds remember. With shaking hands and bloodshot eyes they smile at me; without rhyme or reason they cup their hands on tiny moments of perfection, and whisper quiet stories so deep and meanigful a sober mind could never understand them. And somewhere in the menacing silence it begins, every pill intented to create a better version of oneself. There are some places and times in my life I've been sharply reminded of - and I realise my boundaries a lot clearer now. It's a good thing, though, I think. In a conversation I was having today, I said "I'd put a bullet through my head before I ever suffered that kind of guilt and hopelessness again." And I know it sounds a bit macabre, and - actually - makes me sound like I'm manically depressed and unhappy, but it's quite the contrary. Because I also realised today there are some things (people) that I will fight tooth and nail for, even when it hurts. My heart wants to say a lot of things (a LOT of things) that my brain tells me are irrational: but I feel them anyway, and I feel them passionately. I think that sometimes gets the better of me, and I get a bit carried away, but by god I'm happy I DO feel them. It gives me something tangible to strive for, and I can judge the sincerity and genuine quality of what I feel. And this, I believe, is genuine. Much love, as always, Peter xxx November 04 And on the stage of all the world......heh heh, don't mind the title, just lyrics from a song I'm writing. And it fills the blank space :P So it's probably about time I updated this thing, hey? I've been meaning to do it for a few days now, but I've had hayfever recently (which sucked), and although it's not a very good excuse, it's the best one I can think of at the moment, so it will do :) Life is good at the moment, plain and simple. I am content, which is something I haven't felt in a long time. On one hand it all feels very stagnant, because I haven't seen Josh in around 2 or 3 weeks - and that has a very 'empty' sensation to it. But on the other, I know I'll be seeing him very soon, which I look forward to sooo much that it cancels out any of my worries. If things continue to go well, it'll be the first christmas I've had someone special to buy a present for, which would totally make my day, heh heh. Shells and I finished our 3-day-regime yesterday, which was hilarious. We called each other like 3 times a day just to make sure we were still on track; I'm convinced she did a better job of it than me. Her... I dunno... I guess I'll call him boyfriend, came up from sydney last night, so I'll probably hear/see a bit less of her while they're all obsessed with each other. It's weird how all my issues kept me from really getting to know her in school. I don't even remember how or why we managed to stay in contact after graduation, but I'm so glad we did. She just makes me smile. We 'get' each other, and things make sense, even if it sounds like total shit to somebody else. Cat and I are going to Southbank on Wednesday, hopefully for a swim/sunbake and to catch a movie. I haven't seen as much of her as I would've liked recently, for various reasons. It still seems like there's a lot to catch up on between us, I don't quite know how to describe it. I guess I was worried that her spending a few years up in Mackay would create a big gap between us. I'm glad it hasn't, I don't know what I'd do without her. She was so much support when I was coming out. Oh, and her halloween party was a blast ^_^ Aoife asked me if I wanted to move out of home and in with her, recently. I really don't think it's very practical of me at this stage, but part of me would love to. I'd be in West End, which is about 45 minutes closer to Josh, but I'd be further away from everyone else. Hmph, I think that's about all I can fit in for the moment, as I'm gonna have to start getting ready for work soon :P Take care everyone! Peter xxx October 24 Speaking of Clarity...Haha, I should probably add a disclaimer here about how
the following entry is written under a rather severe state of
emotionality (*invents new word*), so just for the record: You have been warned! Hrm, well where to start... a bit of a tough one, since it's the sort of story that begins the moment your parents realise they're about to have a baby. And from that instant onward - in their minds - they create all these wonderful dreams and imaginings of you and your life. Every parents does it, I guess, and every child is equally scared of what will happen if they break even a fragment of that dream. And although I can't quote statistics, or site any university degree to back me up, it seems fair enough to assume that there's an added pressure when you're gay. I won't get into the in's and out's of "when do you know" and "how can you tell", suffice it to say that I knew I was different from a very young age, and it scared me more than anyone will ever know. I lost all trace of self-esteem, and for the best part of my primary school (and early highschool) life, I thought about how easy it would be to simply cut my wrists over a running bath, and there'd be hardly any mess for anyone to clean up. I did many things to try and cover up that side of my life; to build a wall in front of it that nobody would ever get through. I told vicious lies and cruel stories, and built on them for years to come. I became an emotional eater and watched my weight balloon to extremes that only damaged my self-perception more. But they are things you learn about and overcome with maturity, and eventually outgrow. The one thing that has stuck with me the most (and is still with me to this day), is the urge to do things to make other people happy with me. Yes, I know it sounds like a good trait to have, but as with everything, there are lines you cross, and I pushed them all. The thing that terrified me more than anything else in this world was cracking the perfect picture my parents had painted in their heads. I thought that as long as I could draw myself into that image with the same brushstrokes, then they would be too happy to really look at me and see the tear-stained cheeks of their gay son. I know I broke rules, and of course I defied them at times, but those moments were short-lived and done with a breaking heart. I always had an eye out, looking to see what was 'normal' and what was expected of your 'typical teenage boy', and I tried to push myself so hard into that mould. There's no need for specifics, really, it seems. It doesn't matter what subjects I did at school, or why I was afraid to make friends, or even why I ended up at university in a course I couldn't handle. It's enough to know that every one of those decisions was made on a foundation of fear, and I made my mind up according to what would "keep the people happy". I don't for one minute want you to think I'm blaming anyone else but myself - I take full responsibility for the choices I made, and they were choices, but none the less, the fact remains: I was scared, and I tried to hide myself and become another person to make up for it. I don't remember how it came up, but I was talking with Josh about it tonight, and thank god for him, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart (which, at this very emotional moment, is pining for him rather badly): he knows how to just say it like it is, and it was the first time anybody has ever truly told me to 'do what makes me happy'. It's such a simple, simple thing to say, and I told him how much it means to me, but I don't think he quite realised the intensity of it, especially coming from him. It's such a bittersweet moment in a way, to have this amazing guy (who you can see a possible future with) telling you exactly what you need to hear, and yet to also feel so stupid, naive and vulnerabe in front of him. I'm trying to figure out if I'm crying tears of Joy because of josh (for sooo many reasons, I wish I had the elegant words to tell him how much he means without sounding possessive or dominating or scary), or tears of Heavy-Heartedness because of how afraid I am that I'll scare him off, and he'll find someone who he likes better than me. *Sigh* See, look at me. I swear to god, I'm doing my damn best to not get carried away with the emotions, but reading this you'd be forgiven for thinking I already have. I don't think Josh realises how level-headed he can be, and that's something that I really really admire in him, and makes me even more attracted to him (if that's at all possible, heh heh). I'm scared of finally realising how I need to reinvent a bit of myself, and not having someone to help carry me through. I think that's about all I can fit in here, for the moment, without being overcome by another wave of tears. I hope everything has made sense, and sorry if it seems melodramatic. For a lot of people I know it's small, but for me it's one of the biggest things in my life, and I've finally had to suck it in and be 'true to myself' about it. Sleep tight, everyone. I love all you special people (most of you know who you are, but some of you might not, so just assume you ARE one of them and you're probably right), and you'll all have places in my head and in my heart forever. Over and out, Peter xxx October 21 ...and all the skies were paper scrolls...Hmm, okay, so where to start...
I guess blogging isn't really my thing.... or at least up til this point it wasn't, with my relatively uneventful life passing by. And no one wants me clogging up the internet with "omg omg omg my day was like so awesome and I did this great stuff and I drank latte with cream", right? :)
But things have taken a rather lovely turn lately... or so I hope.
*Inserts brief account of history here*
After the break up with my ex (Adrian) last year, and I realised everything that had gone on behind my back, I thought there must've been something severely wrong with me. Y'know that feeling you get where you just sit and think "why me?" and after a while you DO start to blame yourself and you think there IS a reason they go off and hurt you? Well that feeling had kind of stuck with me, as I guess it would/does with most people, but now it seems I'm finally letting that wall fall down
*jumps back to present*
So a month or two ago (I'm horrible with exact dates, forgive me) I met a guy on the net, and we got chatting, and he seemed really open and friendly. His name's Josh, and we met for the first time about 3 weeks ago, and have have kept in close contact since then. It's hard for me to try and describe the 'relationship' we have at the moment, because it seems to be all cut and torn by what I want, what I/he need(s) and what we know should be done. "Sensible Me" knows that we're still getting to know each other, and that he could still easily find someone else who he likes more than me, and that rushing into things is guaranteed to only end in pain and tears. Josh has stuff on his plate that he says he needs to work out, and Sensible Me says "if it's important to Josh, then it needs to be important to me too".
But "Impulsive Me" doesn't like it. That side just lies in bed at night and wishes I could call him 'mine', and thinks about him every 5 minutes and can't stop smiling every time it happens. It makes me want to disregard every logical thought I have, and just let myself get carried away with the emotion - which would be bad, I know.
I told Josh that I would be there for him in any capacity he needs me (which is true), even if it was just as a friend (which I'm starting to think is a lie). If he told me now that he only wanted to be friends, I don't know how I would react to that. Josh means so much to me at this point that just 'letting go' would be impossibly hard. I couldn't do it. Or at least not with the right intentions.
So here I am, waiting quietly and (im)patiently, hoping that things DO go to the next level. I don't think there's much else left that could make me as happy as that :)
So until next time, this is my first 'Au Revoir'
Peter |
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